


Mountains

by Wallwalker



Category: Final Fantasy IV
Genre: Community: ff_threesomes, Community: fic_on_demand, Gen, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-23
Updated: 2010-01-23
Packaged: 2017-10-06 15:25:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wallwalker/pseuds/Wallwalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The weight of their control on his mind still lingers at times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mountains

Kain's nightmares were threatening to drive him mad, he thought - interrupting his sleep, leaving him wild-eyed and terrified. They were the only things in his life that weren't changing for the better - if anything, ever since he'd finally returned to Baron, they'd been getting worse.

The ones he'd had in the past month always began the same way - with him floating in a dark place, and the ghost of Valvalis appearing in front of him, accusing him. And the worst ones were when he knew that he was dreaming, like the one he was trapped in now - desperately wishing that he could wake up, but not knowing how, and unable to do anything but stand and stare at the golden outline of a woman in front of him, hair blowing wildly away from her contorted face.

_You betrayed me,_ said her ghost in a howling voice, staring down on him with eyes like stormclouds. _You left me to rot in this place!_

He wanted to deny it. Wanted to say the things he'd said when he'd first broken away - that he hadn't betrayed anyone but himself, that he was coming back to himself. But during those dreams he can never say it, because he can never believe them when she's staring down at him. Part of him... well, he hadn't loved her, but he'd depended on her, believed that she could make him strong. Believed that she had wanted him as much as she claimed, even though she was a monster.

_You should have stayed with me, Kain,_ she whispered, her voice fading. _You could had power beyond your wildest dreams...._

He woke up from his nightmare the way he always did - heart pounding, eyes wide, hands closed around fistfuls of linens. Strange, how such a simple vision could be so terrifying. He needed to take a walk, he thought. Clear his head....

Kain walked out of his room - it had once been Cecil's, he thought, when Cecil had been a respected officer and Kain had slept in the barracks with the rest of the Royal Dragoons - and looked up at the stars above the keep. The night air was cool and soothing, and he tried to collect his thoughts. They always felt scattered after his nightmares, impossibly scattered, and it was hard to focus -

The sound of laughter floated down through the air, and Kain looked up. Rosa and Cecil were walking slowly along the castle wall in their nightclothes, holding hands and talking softly. He stood there and watched them make their way along the walls in the quiet of the night, focusing on them - Cecil's pleasant, laughing face, Rosa's soft golden hair that caught the moonlight perfectly. It seemed to help him gather himself, having them to concentrate on.

He'd spent almost two long years trying to purify himself, he remembered - trying to leave the stigma of his betrayal behind. He had always blamed himself, but Cecil and Rosa hadn't blamed him. They'd sent him notes, tokens of their trust - he honestly had no idea how they'd found him, every time he stopped in even a small town. It might have been magic; there were many White Wizards, men and women who could use the holy power, and surely it would've been simple to scry him out. Rosa might've had that much power herself, or she might've convinced other mages to help her. Either way, they had always found him, and that was what mattered.

Even then, it had taken him so long to return. Even after they had forgiven him, even after they'd proved that they'd forgive him again and again if he asked them to, he hadn't been willing to forgive himself.

He was the highest of the King's men, now, the captain of Baron's army. If anyone doubted his ability to command the men, they stayed silent, and so far he had not disappointed anyone - even himself. He was close to the King and Queen. Everyone knew that... not many people knew how close. It was like they'd been when they had been young - always the three of them, always together.

He watched the two people that he loved more than anything, walking under a sky lit with hundreds of stars. _I dreamed of both of you every night, when I first left,_ he thought._ I dreamed of you two... condemning me for my crimes._ He bowed his head then, and thought of the gifts, the letters. _But it wasn't you - it was never you. It was my guilt that tried to destroy me, like the weight of mountains crushing my heart._

He frowned. Even now it tried to destroy him... it had just changed the shape that it wore. And this shape was harder to explain away. Valvalis had never taken back her anger; Kain didn't even know if she was capable of it. She was a Fiend, a creature of pure power, capable of limitless anger - oh, Kain knew her anger very well, had seen her raging against Golbez. He had seen her attacked because she'd tried to shield him...

Had she protected him because she really had loved him? Did that mean that she was capable of something more than being a monster? Or had she only been protecting what she'd considered a prized possession, as a miser would have guarded his gold? He'd never know... it bothered him that he'd never be able to ask her. But if he couldn't forgive himself, the nightmares would come again, and the weight of his guilt would keep crushing him -

Cecil turned his head away from Rosa for a moment, and then smiled as he met Kain's eyes. He waved. "It seems that the two of us are not the only ones who can't sleep," he called down.

"Yes," Kain shouted in the quiet of the night air. "So it seems."

Rosa smiled, but the smile faded quickly. "It's not the nightmares again, is it?" she called, standing next to her husband, her brow creased in worry.

Kain didn't answer at first, not wanting to worry her... but they both deserved the truth. "May I come and walk with you?" he asked.

"Of course," Cecil said. "There's no need for you to ask, old friend."

"Thank you." Kain smiled up at them. "For everything." The nightmare was already beginning to fade. What he had here in Baron was far more important than mere power. This was the place where he belonged, and these were the people that he belonged _with,_ despite his transgression.

That was far more than he'd hoped for. He might not be able to banish the nightmares completely, but he wouldn't have to carry the mountains of his guilt alone.


End file.
